There’s something really beautiful in the momentary denial.

Did any part of that sentence make sense? There’s something really beautiful in the momentary denial. What I mean by this is when I deny myself something I want now, and save it for a later time-sacred things happen in that time between. Everyday something new pops in my head: 

I really want a piece of chocolate right now. 

Oh man, if I could just have that cupcake right now…

Coffee. I just want coffee.

Most of my thoughts trickle towards desserts. And sometimes, like today, I lick the spoon of the boys cake-batter pankcakes…just to make sure they are good enough to serve…(Clark told me today that I am never allowed to try their food again in the next month. Busted. My cheating-esque theme has been called out.)

I miss going to my favorite coffee shop (it’s a new gem I found in Long Beach called “Polly’s Gourmet Coffee”…want to go November 23rd? I’ll race you there). Today I thought about how wonderful it would be to just sit there, inhaling the smoky aroma of the roasting coffee beans around me. My body receiving the heat through my hands wrapped around the mug. This is home. 

And in my moments of weakness, when I desperately want to give in, I remember that this is only a month of my life. I can do this for a month; and how sweet will it be when we are reunited, my sweet Polly’s?! 

But it is the space in between, the air of the now and not yet, where I am resting. It is in this tension that I am finding growth and fruit. I am not just merely accepting that I will never have coffee again; instead, I am waiting with anticipation for the reunion. 

I want to live like this in those sacred moments between spiritual experiences. I remember in March, at Missions Conference, having the Spirit of the Lord so thick around me–it was as if I could wrap my arms around him in a sacred embrace. And I have been waiting for a moment like that to come again. But in this space between, my relationship with God has become a very real walk. We are walking down treacherous paths together; and the road I am on right now is surrounded by thistles and thorns: reminders of my humanity, lies of the past creeping up, my old self yelling out at me: “You are not new! You are not new!" 

But my road is made of gold. Go ahead, dragons of the past, blow your torch at me. It only makes the gold that much more beautiful..

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6