I am so far from who and where I want to be. I see women pursuing the dreams I once held so tightly. The dreams that were good, and full of good intent. I know that my dreams are not dead, but, oh, do they ever feel out of reach. I feel like a fraud, like my craft is fake, my talents are not real, I am not genuine. I feel as if, at any moment, I will be found out as a woman who can not keep up-but tries desperately to do so.
I see the woman I want to be. I see where I want to invest my time and abilities. And then I see others stepping into those spaces that I thought I was created to fill.
This is where I am reminded to take a breath and embrace the truth that my life was never my own. And no, this is not some pity-party, quick fix, smile, nod, and accept. This is the truth. My life was never mine to begin with. My heart was never mine to hold. The dreams placed within it are gifts in themselves, and who better to lead me in using those dreams than the one that placed them there in the beginning?
So, Divine Madman, Creative Genius of all things beautiful,
will you use me?